Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
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