Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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