you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
