you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
