I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
