I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
