she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
Did you just see the Batmobile???
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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