Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
