The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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