I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I am mentally ready for anal.
Randomize
