i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Randomize
