Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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