I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
