Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
Randomize
