It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
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They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
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I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
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