when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
