I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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