Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
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