"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
