I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
