Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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