when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
