The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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