Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
