dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Randomize
