I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Randomize
