Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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