part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Randomize
