he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
Randomize
