I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Randomize
