if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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