yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
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