Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
