I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
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