I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
