Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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