Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
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