i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
