Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
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She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
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You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it