no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Randomize
