the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
