I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
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