tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
