we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
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