I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
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