Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
