Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
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