Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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