tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
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