i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
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