My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
There's even glitter on my cock...
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