Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
He has the fingertips of a God
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
