So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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