i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
