the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Randomize
