Kareoke will never be a sober sport
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
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