Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Randomize
