Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Randomize
