You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
