I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Randomize
